Renton Key To Hawks '07 Superbowl Campaign

Holmgren Gets Early Start On "Working" Referees

In what NFL insiders are calling a "genius game plan" the Seattle Seahawks announced the move of their team headquarters to the city of Renton... a direct result of Coach Mike Holmgren's bulging-neck-vein, off-the-record vow... "I'll be damned if I'm going to have to play against the zebras again like I did last January!"

"Since the refs are so-inclined to dole out Supebowl favors to teams from ugly, has-been, decaying, blue-collar towns, then that's what I'm going to give 'em... Pittsburg's got NOTHING on Renton!!", added Holmgren with a glint in his eye.

Turns out the City of Seattle, which consistently gets portrayed in the media as "the Smartest... the Richest... the Greenest... the Prettiest City in the U.S" is a detriment when it comes to the "Joe Lunch-bucket"- type guys who make it to the top of NFL officiating.... guys who never dated prom queens.

Dr. Cynthia Mohan of the University of Washington School of Applied Psychology confirms this phenomenon. "It's pretty universal... we see it in high-school every day... we can't but secretly hope that somehow that conceited, beautiful, straight-A, 'rich bitch'...Valerie Butler... oh, sorry, 'flashback'... ends up with the short end of the stick."

Another key tactic that Holmgren and Seahawks owner Paul Allen are employing is to demand that the Seattle Tourism Bureau eliminate all breath-taking photos of Seattle which show Mt. Rainer and Puget Sound back-drops, and replace them with shots of polluted industrial sites along the Duwamish River and Renton's "Auto Row".

Extreme Iraq Makeover?

Hair-Trigger Response From Senator Cantwell

As reported on the frontpage of the 5/4/06 Seattle PI, Senator Maria Cantwell today cleared the air on her Iraq stance, moving to ease doubts among her fellow Democrats and Seattle-Lite constituents.

Sounding tough, but "in-touch" Cantwell told D.C. reporters,"We need to make sure this year is a year of BIG transition regarding the war... personally, I'm going to take more of a leadership role on Iraq... and if there's any further clarification needed as to what that means, here it is... I'm going to change my hair-do".

Michael C. contacted Gene Juarez, Seattle's styling guru, who is just one of many relieved Cantwell supporters back in Seattle, and got this off-the-record comment... "I've waited a long time for this ... FINALLY... some positive news on the war on terror".

Low-Riders For Mo-Riders

Transit Plan Calls For 60,000 Auto Thefts In King County

Sims Initiative Promises “Highest Use” Of Illegal Aliens

As reported in the May 2nd issue of Eastside Business, "King County Executive, Ron Sims, announced today his new four-point Metro Transit Initiative ... a proposal that would get 60,000 drivers out of their cars, thus reducing pollution and congestion."

Although the initiative does provide for increased bus service, Michael C. has learned that the key to accomplishing such dramatic results rests upon Sims' plan to get Seattle-Lites out of their personal cars by stealing them.

Sims told the huge crowd gathered for Seattle's May 1 Illegals Protest Rally, "The most fool-proof way I know of to boost Metro ridership is to 'boost' (read, "steal" for you law-abiders) people's cars... and that's where I need your help."

What's being hailed by Seattle-Lites as the "Low-Riders for Mo-Riders" plan seeks to take advantage of the valuable skills and know-how of illegals who excel at not only breaking the law in entering the US, but then go on to establish thriving auto-theft rings and chop shops.

Dr. Peter Olson, of the University of Washington's Department of Sociology, calls the Sims plan, "A masterstroke... a brilliant way to take individuals who are at essence 'lawless', and then to put them into jobs aimed at reducing traffic congestion... jobs that real Americans would refuse to do".

When questioned by reporters as to whether he may fall prey to having his own car stolen under this bold Metro initiative Sims responded, "NO WAY, JOSE!!... I'll just have my housekeeper, Maria, also pull a night shift to keep an eye on it".