Mayor Announces "Race-based" Viaduct Plan

Nickels Declares Seattle "A Vanilla City"

With a multi-billion dollar price tag for replacing the aging Alaska Way Viaduct staring Seattle-Lites in the face, Mayor Greg Nickels has decided to lift a page from New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin's playbook.

Since declaring New Orleans to be a "Chocolate City" Nagin has pulled in over $120 billion in Federal aid to fix his failed levees. A fact that has not been lost on Seattle's Nickels, who has always had a keen nose for a free lunch.

Declaring to reporters, "Seattle is a Vanilla City", Nickels went on to remind Seattle-Lites of their own long tradition of squandering huge amounts of public dollars to get absolutely nothing done. ''The recent Monorail Project is no isolated boondoggle. So... dat dere 'Chocolate City' down south ain't got nothin' on us White-ies up here...know what I sayin?".

The centerpiece of Nickels' plan calls for doing absolutely nothing until a devastating earthquake hits the region which can be attributed to a Bush Adminstration hatred toward blond-haired, blue-eyed people.

On the one hand, response from Seattle's largely Scandanavian populace to Mayor Nickels newest viaduct strategy appears skeptical, but on the other, a recent local poll does reveal that 63% of natural blond Seattle-Lites do indeed see themselves as a minority group suffering the effects of targeted discrimination.

Finally, political support for Mayor Nickels controversial approach appears to be strong, with Sen. Patty Murray telling reporters, "Personally, I think it was darn smart of Greg to figure out that the Viaduct would probably not get blown down by a tropical Hurricane. And when you combine that with the fact that we Democrats have a long tradition of standing up for the down-trodden Volvo driver... it all makes perfect sense."

Laptop Fire Threat Spreads

Seattle’s Exotic Dancers Protest Recall

Dell Computer’s historic recall of laptops that overheat and burst into flames has spilled over into Seattle’s Strip Club community, where reports are surfacing of the same bizarre phenomenon occurring during peak period lap-dance downloads.

Experts close to the scene say that the problem appears to stem from flaws, not with the dancers themselves, who are facing the possibility of a widespread recall, but with the underlying operating systems of certain patrons.

Dr. Bruce Barton, an expert in the field of human electrical currents, explained, “Just like with lithium ion batteries, when guys reach a certain age the problem of corroded terminals combined with a sharp power surge can easily cause one’s laptop to spontaneously combust”.

A spokesperson for Seattle’s Déjà Vu Club said that his establishment has taken steps to address the situation, thereby averting a recall of particularly “hot” dancers, but declined to elaborate on specifics of what the popular club has done to fix the problem.

However, off the record, a Déjà Vu dancer recently told a huge throng of investigative reporters, “Look fellas, it’s pretty simple… if ya can’t stand the heat…stay outta the kitchen.”

Concerned Seattle-Lites can learn more about whether their terminals and laptops may be at risk by logging onto: getoffgetoffmypantsareonfire.com