Satan Threatens NBC Lawsuit

Prince of Darkness Offended by Carville's Remark

It appears James Carville's statement during Merideth Viera's recent Today Show interview that "Bill Clinton is the most influential entity on earth right now" did not sit too well with the Devil, whose ego is disputably bigger than even the former President's.

Attorneys for Satan report that he was "mad as Hell" at Carville for such an assertion, and that he had confided to those persons burning alive in eternal flames closest to him, "You know, I almost regret the day that I started streaming words into that hillbilly's gaping maw".

Rejecting intitial counsel... "Prince, just cool off and let this remark slide, Carville's always been good for us.", the Devil appeared determined to move ahead with the slander suit against NBC .

"We feel we've got a very strong case here", said one of the lead attorneys, "There isn't a court in the land that will look at the hard evidence of who's wreaked more earthly havoc, our client, or Bill Clinton, and come to any conclusion other than that the Devil has been defamed".

When contacted about the pending suit an NBC spokesperson sounded defiant, telling reporters, "Bring it on! Our ratings can only go up with a good, high-profile court case. It's just what the network's needed post-Katie Couric. 'Beelzebub vs. NBC'... has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

Pat Cashman New "Voice of Mexico"

Bush Administration Keeping Close Watch

With his second major series of Mexican Restaurant Chain ads hitting the airways recently, Seattle's own Pat Cashman has literally become the "Voice of Mexico"... and ironically, the only one that seems to make any sense to salsa-besotted Americans these days.

First with Taco Time, and now with Azteca Restaurants, Cashman's success pitching chimichangas has gotten enough guacamole pounded out to garner him "Man of the Year" status with the California Advocado Growers Association. Enthused one grower in the Owens Valley, "Around here he's simply know as Saint Patrick".

What's next for the man food industry insiders are calling "The Big Burrito Mover"? Spokesperson for Chili's Restaurants, and/or Taco Del Mar? That would solidify Cashman's domination of South-of-the-border representation.

But speaking of the border, rumors are flying that the National Security Agency has Cashman under "close watch" status. A spokesperson with the NSA told Michael C., off the record, that "Any one person who speaks with this much clout on behalf of foreign interests is begging for a wiretap.,. big time. Frankly, if we see another spike in Washingtonians frequenting Mexican establishments 'The Big Burrito Mover'" will be goin' down faster than a mid-summer margarita".

Finally, Dr. Carl Bogenkamp, who studies trends in the field of Celebrity Spokespersons for the University of Washington had this advice for Cashman, "For Godsake man, branch out... have you never heard of Thai Food!?"

Fundamentalist Lesbian Threat Grows

Rosie Bigger Than Ever

According to Rosie O'Donnell's recent declarations on TV's show "The (Skewed) View", it seems the world would be a much better place if there were fewer Evangelical Christians and more "200 pound lesbians threatening to kick people's asses." running around (A quote from O'Donnell)

Really!? Let's dissect Rosie's formula for a more ideal world here...

1. More fat women. That's a good thing?

Now, Rosie claims to weigh in at 200 pounds. Of course, it's a fact of life that all females, straight or gay have a tendency to wildly underestimate the point at which they tip the scales. I say Rosie goes 230 (lbs) easy... and there's about as much validity to her claim of being at 200 as there is of Barbara Walter's public claim that her dog can talk. Sooo.... I say, let's have an upcoming segment of "The View" in which Babs brings her chihuaha into the studio and Rosie brings her Cleveland Industrial Scale. Now, THAT''S entertainment!

2. More lesbians. Again, a good thing?

This might possibly be good news for the Porn Industry, which seems to thrive on this imaginary sort of "entanglement". However, it's also a fact that, in reality, 92% of true lesbians appearing naked are more suited for the Horror genre of film-making.

3. More kicking ass. NOW, we may finally be onto something. It's pretty safe to say that the Evangelical in Chief, President Bush, would just love to utter these 2 words out loud when speaking of winning America's "War on Terror". But, I'm not so sure about their efficacy when coming from an outright loser in America's "War on Obesity"...unless, of course Rosie has some yet-to-be-revealed plan up her sausage-armed sleeve for kicking her OWN ass... which, from MY View, is too big for her britches.

Guess we'll have to stay tuned...unfortunately.