Pimp My Campaign

“PIMP MY CAMPAIGN!!” An extremely irate Hillary Clinton blistered her campaign staff in a closed-door session with these words after her embarrassing rendition last week as a black preacher at Selma Alabama’s First Baptist Church. “And furthermore, from now everyone in this room WILL refer to me as ‘Dat Hillary Ho.’”

Clinton’s bizarre attempt to “out-black” Democrat rival Barack Obama, who spoke at a church just blocks away, appears to be just round one in an on-going battle between herself, Obama and John Edwards to determine who will end up as the “Chocolate Candidate”, and darling of the new bastion of Democrat power, New Orleans.

The Rev. Blackie White, The SALT Report’s Theological Correspondent, provides this insightful analysis: “The fact that Obama drew a huge crowd to the A.M.E. Church in comparison to Hillary pretty much comes down pork. The Obama team showed a crowd-pulling stroke of genius by offering big slabs of free BBQ ribs right out on the church steps. And let’s be honest, the Baptists, who hosted Ms. Clinton, have never really demonstrated that level of scriptural insight.”

Added Rev. Black, “I will say, however, that this tactic may not serve Obama as well next week when the Democrat rivals go head to head in front of the Jews.”

So, what’s next? Inside sources for the SALT Report say watch for Barack to make his case to Jewish leaders that he has what it takes to run this country by opening with something like, “Like the suit? Got it wholesale.”

And as for Hillary, she’s already informed Bill that he, “Better DAMN well ‘Go Kosher’” with Consuella, the live-in cook at the Clinton’s New York estate.

Finally, in regards to what many political analysts are deeming as the all-important “Muslim swing-vote” in 2008, John Edwards s is said to have come up with, on his own, a brilliant re-take of the classic Sen. Lloyd Bentsen campaign line…“YOU Sir, don’t know Jack Shiite like I know Jack Shiite!”

Scientists Link Gore To Precipitous Drop In Global I.Q.

Today a team of top international scientists, which was assembled last Sunday to study the correlation between the Academy Awards and global warming, has released several stunning findings:

Close monitoring of the average room temperature inside the Kodak Theatre, venue for the Oscars, revealed that it directly matched (+ or - 1 degree F) the median aggregate I.Q. of the film industry luminaries in attendance.

Said German lead scientist Dr. Karl Schnabel, “This confirms something that we in the scientific community have feared for decades, but were afraid to come forward with. Specifically, the annual high concentration levels of this many actors, film-makers, TV cameras and implants being beamed to a huge global audience poses a grave threat to human intellect as we know it. Our calculations show that unless the Oscars are immediately cut back to a one hour broadcast rational thought could become extinct in as little as 20 years.”

“Most troubling is that Sunday evening a definitive 'tipping point' was reached, triggered by the wantonly careless act of placing Hollywood types, has-been politicians and the word “moral” together into a closed environment.”

On a more positive note, Dutch Climatologist Hans Kloogerman shared this finding:

“Our highly sensitive monitoring equipment was able to detect a noticeable spike upward in the overall I.Q. inside the Kodak Theatre whenever Jack Nicholson left to use the men’s room. However, I must temper this good news with a word of caution… we also found that I.Q. levels dropped off precipitously for any person entering a 10 foot radius around Al Gore."

In a related story, 100’s of global warming activists, claiming to be members of the newly formed “Goravian” religious sect, are demanding L.A. officials declare that the Kodak Theatre be named a holy shrine.