Pimp My Campaign

“PIMP MY CAMPAIGN!!” An extremely irate Hillary Clinton blistered her campaign staff in a closed-door session with these words after her embarrassing rendition last week as a black preacher at Selma Alabama’s First Baptist Church. “And furthermore, from now everyone in this room WILL refer to me as ‘Dat Hillary Ho.’”

Clinton’s bizarre attempt to “out-black” Democrat rival Barack Obama, who spoke at a church just blocks away, appears to be just round one in an on-going battle between herself, Obama and John Edwards to determine who will end up as the “Chocolate Candidate”, and darling of the new bastion of Democrat power, New Orleans.

The Rev. Blackie White, The SALT Report’s Theological Correspondent, provides this insightful analysis: “The fact that Obama drew a huge crowd to the A.M.E. Church in comparison to Hillary pretty much comes down pork. The Obama team showed a crowd-pulling stroke of genius by offering big slabs of free BBQ ribs right out on the church steps. And let’s be honest, the Baptists, who hosted Ms. Clinton, have never really demonstrated that level of scriptural insight.”

Added Rev. Black, “I will say, however, that this tactic may not serve Obama as well next week when the Democrat rivals go head to head in front of the Jews.”

So, what’s next? Inside sources for the SALT Report say watch for Barack to make his case to Jewish leaders that he has what it takes to run this country by opening with something like, “Like the suit? Got it wholesale.”

And as for Hillary, she’s already informed Bill that he, “Better DAMN well ‘Go Kosher’” with Consuella, the live-in cook at the Clinton’s New York estate.

Finally, in regards to what many political analysts are deeming as the all-important “Muslim swing-vote” in 2008, John Edwards s is said to have come up with, on his own, a brilliant re-take of the classic Sen. Lloyd Bentsen campaign line…“YOU Sir, don’t know Jack Shiite like I know Jack Shiite!”

Scientists Link Gore To Precipitous Drop In Global I.Q.

Today a team of top international scientists, which was assembled last Sunday to study the correlation between the Academy Awards and global warming, has released several stunning findings:

Close monitoring of the average room temperature inside the Kodak Theatre, venue for the Oscars, revealed that it directly matched (+ or - 1 degree F) the median aggregate I.Q. of the film industry luminaries in attendance.

Said German lead scientist Dr. Karl Schnabel, “This confirms something that we in the scientific community have feared for decades, but were afraid to come forward with. Specifically, the annual high concentration levels of this many actors, film-makers, TV cameras and implants being beamed to a huge global audience poses a grave threat to human intellect as we know it. Our calculations show that unless the Oscars are immediately cut back to a one hour broadcast rational thought could become extinct in as little as 20 years.”

“Most troubling is that Sunday evening a definitive 'tipping point' was reached, triggered by the wantonly careless act of placing Hollywood types, has-been politicians and the word “moral” together into a closed environment.”

On a more positive note, Dutch Climatologist Hans Kloogerman shared this finding:

“Our highly sensitive monitoring equipment was able to detect a noticeable spike upward in the overall I.Q. inside the Kodak Theatre whenever Jack Nicholson left to use the men’s room. However, I must temper this good news with a word of caution… we also found that I.Q. levels dropped off precipitously for any person entering a 10 foot radius around Al Gore."

In a related story, 100’s of global warming activists, claiming to be members of the newly formed “Goravian” religious sect, are demanding L.A. officials declare that the Kodak Theatre be named a holy shrine.

Rev. Blackie's Theo-Political Forecast 1.0

A Transcript from The SALT Report's Theological Correspondent:

"The Reverend Blackie White's highly tuned 'Doppler of the Soul' ™ has been pickin up on a lot of CONFUSION and ILLUSION going on out there during the dreaded Cold, Flu and Politickin’ Season. I’m warnin ya’ll…there’s a kind of “Perfect Storm” movin in which is impossible to flee and will no doubt leave millions of hapless victims sick and depressed.

"'Bout the only thing you can do to avoid getting hit with “The Crud”, brothers and sisters, is this… wash your hands 3 times a day… don’t touch any radio tuned to Rush Limbaugh… and don’t even THINK of looking at a TV ad featuring Sen. Maria Cantwell.

(Sidebar: Can anyone out there explain to me how it is that a woman who spent $10 million of her own money to buy a seat in the US Senate cannot afford to get herself into a seat at a Gene Juarez Hair Salon?)

"And, speakin of the recent “plague” of TV political spots… Biblical scholars have recently concluded:

"Had Pharoah been subjected to such a dark cloud of iniquity, the likes of which has been conjured up by the 2006 Republican and Democrat election committees, not only would he have let Israel go after just the Plaque of Frogs, but in addition, he would have done all in his power to wipe out the foreign bloodline that centuries later produced James Carville.

"Finally… A Rev. Blackie White’s “theo-political” prediction?

"Well, that gal who wants to be the US Congresswoman from Washington, Darcy BURNER, comes to mind… ya can’t deny it…that’s one HELLUVA an apropos name for the election result a campaigner of her stature is sure to garner!!

"That's all for now...you been listinin' to Rev. Blackie White... so now YOU TOO are walkin' in the Light".

New York Fashion District Poses "Terrorist" Threat

Muslim Cabbies "Attacked" With Pigskin Purses

Big name designers and super-models working NYC's vaunted Fashion District are reporting what one rag trade insider calls a "jihad-like jilting" from Islamic cabbies when it comes to hailing a ride.

It seems hysteria has swept through NY's cab-driver culture stemming from an incident involving a mysterious, 6-foot model, one triggering a crises with the potential to bring a cornerstone of New York's economy literally to it's knees.

Rumors are rampant that a blond runway model, known in the trade as "Porchina", just days ago, reputedly settled her cabfare by pulling two $20's from a $600 pigskin-lined Prada handbag, smiling deviously at the horrified cabbie, and then purring, "Keep the change, Ali Baba."

A spokesperson for the Isalmic Cabbies for the Koran (ICK) has told reporters, "We consider this to be an outright act of terrorism... look, vacuous super-models aren't THAT stupid...even the blond ones!"

"YOUR culture says, 'The 'Devil Wears Prada', he continued, "but WE know, as theological fact...the Devil is IN Prada! Now, my tip-starved brothers are damned if they do and damned if they don't when handed cash from the purses of superficial, status-driven New York women. We spit on the on the Kate Spade-ites! ! "

"It does present a dilemma for the city that touts itself as 'The Big Apple'... that moniker in itself being a Biblical faux pas," said the Rev. Blackie White, author of the best-selling book, "It's The Theology, Stupid!"

"No one wants to see a mainstay of the New York economy held hostage due the insensitivities of a just a few fashionista extremists," says Rev. White. "On the other hand, we have to ask the question, 'How many pigskin purses does it take to make a dirty bomb?'"

Satan Threatens NBC Lawsuit

Prince of Darkness Offended by Carville's Remark

It appears James Carville's statement during Merideth Viera's recent Today Show interview that "Bill Clinton is the most influential entity on earth right now" did not sit too well with the Devil, whose ego is disputably bigger than even the former President's.

Attorneys for Satan report that he was "mad as Hell" at Carville for such an assertion, and that he had confided to those persons burning alive in eternal flames closest to him, "You know, I almost regret the day that I started streaming words into that hillbilly's gaping maw".

Rejecting intitial counsel... "Prince, just cool off and let this remark slide, Carville's always been good for us.", the Devil appeared determined to move ahead with the slander suit against NBC .

"We feel we've got a very strong case here", said one of the lead attorneys, "There isn't a court in the land that will look at the hard evidence of who's wreaked more earthly havoc, our client, or Bill Clinton, and come to any conclusion other than that the Devil has been defamed".

When contacted about the pending suit an NBC spokesperson sounded defiant, telling reporters, "Bring it on! Our ratings can only go up with a good, high-profile court case. It's just what the network's needed post-Katie Couric. 'Beelzebub vs. NBC'... has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

Pat Cashman New "Voice of Mexico"

Bush Administration Keeping Close Watch

With his second major series of Mexican Restaurant Chain ads hitting the airways recently, Seattle's own Pat Cashman has literally become the "Voice of Mexico"... and ironically, the only one that seems to make any sense to salsa-besotted Americans these days.

First with Taco Time, and now with Azteca Restaurants, Cashman's success pitching chimichangas has gotten enough guacamole pounded out to garner him "Man of the Year" status with the California Advocado Growers Association. Enthused one grower in the Owens Valley, "Around here he's simply know as Saint Patrick".

What's next for the man food industry insiders are calling "The Big Burrito Mover"? Spokesperson for Chili's Restaurants, and/or Taco Del Mar? That would solidify Cashman's domination of South-of-the-border representation.

But speaking of the border, rumors are flying that the National Security Agency has Cashman under "close watch" status. A spokesperson with the NSA told Michael C., off the record, that "Any one person who speaks with this much clout on behalf of foreign interests is begging for a wiretap.,. big time. Frankly, if we see another spike in Washingtonians frequenting Mexican establishments 'The Big Burrito Mover'" will be goin' down faster than a mid-summer margarita".

Finally, Dr. Carl Bogenkamp, who studies trends in the field of Celebrity Spokespersons for the University of Washington had this advice for Cashman, "For Godsake man, branch out... have you never heard of Thai Food!?"

Fundamentalist Lesbian Threat Grows

Rosie Bigger Than Ever

According to Rosie O'Donnell's recent declarations on TV's show "The (Skewed) View", it seems the world would be a much better place if there were fewer Evangelical Christians and more "200 pound lesbians threatening to kick people's asses." running around (A quote from O'Donnell)

Really!? Let's dissect Rosie's formula for a more ideal world here...

1. More fat women. That's a good thing?

Now, Rosie claims to weigh in at 200 pounds. Of course, it's a fact of life that all females, straight or gay have a tendency to wildly underestimate the point at which they tip the scales. I say Rosie goes 230 (lbs) easy... and there's about as much validity to her claim of being at 200 as there is of Barbara Walter's public claim that her dog can talk. Sooo.... I say, let's have an upcoming segment of "The View" in which Babs brings her chihuaha into the studio and Rosie brings her Cleveland Industrial Scale. Now, THAT''S entertainment!

2. More lesbians. Again, a good thing?

This might possibly be good news for the Porn Industry, which seems to thrive on this imaginary sort of "entanglement". However, it's also a fact that, in reality, 92% of true lesbians appearing naked are more suited for the Horror genre of film-making.

3. More kicking ass. NOW, we may finally be onto something. It's pretty safe to say that the Evangelical in Chief, President Bush, would just love to utter these 2 words out loud when speaking of winning America's "War on Terror". But, I'm not so sure about their efficacy when coming from an outright loser in America's "War on Obesity"...unless, of course Rosie has some yet-to-be-revealed plan up her sausage-armed sleeve for kicking her OWN ass... which, from MY View, is too big for her britches.

Guess we'll have to stay tuned...unfortunately.