"Be Cool" Seattle-Lites (Part 2 in a series)

Kyoto Accord May Result In Room-temperature IQ's

Inspired by former Vice President Al Gore's recent lofty words about reducing global warming Seattle-Lites are leading the charge to prove to the world that there is no cooler place on the planet to live than right here.

Gore got his biggest response from the gathered crowd when he took this verbal shot at those who choose to drive around in their own cars....

"It just doesn't make any sense to me that we have to carry an extra 3,000 pounds around with us whenever we go somewhere!"

Observers on the scene DID note that, in fact, Tipper Gore was not traveling with the Vice President on his visit to Seattle.

Gore went on to declare that reducing the temperature of the earth's surface over Seattle by 1/100 of 1% is, to his way of thinking...

"A moral imperative on par with Civil Rights icon Rosa Parks refusing to take a seat in the back of a Birmingham bus".

Observers also noted that, in contrast to the diminutive Ms. Parks... from all appearances, Seattle-Lites may be questioning if Mayor Greg Nickels will be able to take the lead in this great cause, which calls for his being able to fit down the aisle of a Metro Bus.

"Be Cool" Seattle-Lites (Part 1 in a series)

Seattle's Political Climate Major Source of Greenhouse Gases

Seattle-Lites To Model "Cooler" Behavior.

In what is being hailed as a model for cities nationally, Mayor Nickel's "Green Ribbion Commission''' has announced details of a plan to significantly reduce greenhouse gases by asking politicians throughout Puget Sound to shut their yaps.

This, based on a major study from the Netherlands which shows Seattle could be well on it's way to meeting Kyoto Accord goals of a 7% reduction in global warming pollution just by asking US Congressman Jim McDermott to refrain from speaking out loud.

Washington Governor, Christine Gregoire, hailed the McDermott proposal as, "A good start... but I believe we can do better. That is why I'm calling for an 80% reduction in Tim Eyeman."

As an example to Seattle-Lites for modeling "cooler" behavior, former V.P. Al Gore attended the Green Commission's publicly-announced recommendations outfitted with what observers said appeared to be a special "muffler".

Slugger Turns Rapper

Bonds Seeks "Most Valuable Prostitute" Award

Refusing to answer reporter's questions regarding damning evidence of steroid abuse, Barry Bonds today "hit one outta the park" according to sources in the entertainment industry. Inspired by the recent success of Best-Song Oscar Winner, "It's Hard Out There For A Pimp", baseball's 7-time MVP-Award winner stunned the sports world with the release of his new rap tune... "It's Hard In Here For A Prostitute"

Let's just say, not everyone is thrilled.

Backlash among baseball purists is rapidly reaching "Biblical Proportions"... however, early statements from MLB Commissioner Bud Selig regarding Bond's future in baseball indicate that the Commissioner may already be fiddling with the box score...

"Our internal investigations have revealed that while the body of Mr. Bonds does indeed carry approximately the same volume of pharmaceuticals as an average Walgreens, it has, in fact , recieved far fewer injections of contraband substances than that of Joan Rivers.

"And given that she's been able to extend her career beyond the limits of all human reason, still putting up good numbers at Oscar time, it's an indication that Barry could continue to play. It is the hope of Major League Baseball that he can go on to once again be named as this great game's 'Most Valuable Prostitute'... something we all agree that the fans of his beloved San Francisco truly deserve."