Sonics Getting Desperate

Renton: "Nothing A Few Drinks, Lots Of Maybelline Couldn't Fix"

As the Sonics widen their search for a date they can take to the $400 million prom... a date that, oh, by the way, is willing to pay for the whole shebang... the team that sees itself as 'The Big Man on the Seattle-Lite Campus' has begun flirting with Renton.

Having pretty much been told, "Gee, I've got to wash my hair that night", by two of the prettiest prospects in this neck of the woods, Seattle and Bellevue, the Sonics are seeing the 'Plain Jane' at the wrong end of the Lake in a whole new light.

At this juncture Michael C. can't help surmising that what we have here for Sonic's owner, Howard Schultz, is a case of life imitating art... as in the Country Western, bar-room, last-call ditty, "Billy's Got His Beer-Goggles On".

For it's part, Renton is so excited about the possibility of getting asked to the big dance that it's even announced it would consider changing it's beloved City Slogan... from "Renton...Ahead of the Curve" to "Renton...Ugly, But Easy"

Seattle Solves Unwanted Immigrant Problem

Mayor's Initiative Calls for 'Dumbells' to Move to Lynnwood

As the national debate regarding illegal immigration rages on, Seattle, now recognized as "the smartest city in the U.S" is pursuing a unique course of action. Today, Mayor Greg Nickels, now recognized as "the coolest Mayor in the U.S." by Time Magazine, announced plans to aggressively go after those people living inside the Seattle city limits, "whose intellects are just a tad bit backwards to our way of thinking".

A spokesperson from the Mayor's Office today outlined key elements of Nickel's "Smart Growth Strategy", which public officials are hailing as the one viable solution to the increasing problem of transitory workers with little, or no higher education, crossing into the City from places like from Fife, putting down roots and raising families .

"We just think that folks like these would be much better off being moved to someplace that we can all agree is simply 'dumber' than Seattle." the spokesperson said.

Internal polling data among Seattle-Lites shows a 68% approval rating for Mayor Nickels' proposed initiative, which is being dubbed "The Lynnwood Solution"

Reverse Immigration Strategy Working

Seattle Smart Enough to Send "Dim Bulbs" Out of State

With the front page of the Seattle Times trumpeting the news that Seattle is "the smartest city in the nation", brain science researchers at the U of W confirmed the direct correlation to the unique Puget Sound practice of turning many of it's 'dimmest bulbs' into politicians... for the calculated purpose of sending them off to that "Other Washington", ... D.C.

UW Scientist, Dr. Clyde Shumway explained, "There are dynamic forces of polarity at play in this region...just as it exerts an 'attraction' for the best and brightest minds in the private sector, likewise, it 'expells', via the public sector, those individuals known to possess IQ's equivalent to that of a sack of hammers."

"Hence, the manifestation of such phenomena as D.C. ending up with Patty Murray. If she had officially been counted as being 'in-state' Seattle's spot on this important list could easily been as low as 4th or 5th".

Inside sources have revealed to Michael C. that indeed other local politicians continue to be "groomed" for outsourcing, in the hopes that Seattle can retain it's number one "Smartypants-City" ranking.

To this end powerful forces are at play right now, not only pouring vast sums of money into the campaign coffers of Maria Cantwell, but also privately urging King County Exec. Ron Sims to take a run at Congress.

Seattle Mayor Declares: "Mission Accomplished" (Part 3 in a series)

Lands Picture on Time Magazine in a "Big and Tall" Armani Suit

As the April 4th cover of Time Magazine warned Seattle-Lites to "Be Worried. Be Very Worried", it's Special Report on Global Warming glowingly profiled Mayor Greg Nickels for his leadership among US cities in hunting down insurgent greenhouse gases.

For Seattle that translates to taking 148,000 cars off the road.

To accomplish this feat Nickels plans to raise highway tolls and parking taxes to excrucitating levels for Seattle-Lites in a painful two-fold strategy being referred to locally as 'Schlock and Awe'.

So far, 218 other mayors have eagerly joined with Nickels, signing on to what many of them are calling a "Coalition of The Cool" in the hopes that they too might end up with a line item in their own city budget just like Greg's... namely, $80,000 a year for "personal entertaining". (The figure reported last week in the Seattle Weekly)

One mayor, who wished to remain anonymous told Michael C. "Greg really opened our eyes with those intelligence reports he had linking the existence of questionable 'Warmings of Minor Degrees' to the ability to create a serious good-times-rock-and-roll slush fund."

When questioned about the specifics of his plan for winning the war on greenhouse gases, along with the huge costs that would be incured, Nickels told reporters, "Details, details fellas...Look, I got my mug in Time Magazine... I'd say that's 'Mission Accomplished', wouldn't you? Now, why don't we all just head over to the Four Seasons and hoist a few... on me."