Muslims Can't Dance

Seattle Pastor Asserts: "Bad Musicology Tied To Bad Theology"

"All this recent acting out of rage we're seeing from Muslims lately goes much, much deeper than just the cartoon issue," asserts the Rev. Blackie White, who goes on to say, "Frankly, it all boils down to one simple fact... Muslims can't dance."

Rev. White, Senior Pastor at The Church of the Pushed-Back Pew, located near Seattle, expounded his theory recently in an exclusive interview with Michael C. for the S.A.L.T. Report:

R.B.W...."When you analyze the video tapes of Islamic protestors bombing embassies, lighting cars on fire and shooting off guns.... you see the same awkward dance moves over and over, in locales across the world. This primitive jumping up and down and pumping of fists overhead is sad evidence of a total lack of not only rhythm, but grace."

"As we all know...(Good) music salves the savage beast. Unfortunately, my studies reveal that the reverse also holds true... bad music has the innate power to quickly produce a pissed-off attitude. And tell me... what funky Islamic dance tunes has the civilized world wanted to groove to over the the past few centuries?" So, it's pretty clear... bad musicology and bad theology go hand in hand."

This goes way, way back to Biblical Times. Take a look at David. Here's a brother, who scriptures record, played a mean harp AND could throw down dance moves nasty enough for God, Himself to shout, "MY MAN!!".

"I'm tellin' you the Gospel truth... we wouldn't be watching these crazy Islamic Rave Dances on the news today if there had been a Little Shiite Wonder or a Muhammed Al-Green somewhere along the line!"

"Can I get an Amen?."

Les Schwab Stunner

40 Years of "Free Beef" Inspired By Illicit Love?

Emboldened by the 8 Oscar nominations that the film Brokeback Mountain has garnered, it appears that a true icon of the West, Les Schwab, is coming out of the closet regarding his 40 year tradition of offering "Free Beef" with the purchase of a set of tires close to Valentines Day.

The wily, ol' marketing genius is dropping hints that the annual promotion, which he has always maintained is his way of... "Honoring the West's ranchers and farmers"... in reality stems from a romantic relationship the cowboy tire king secretly carried on for decades with a bachelor sheep rancher outside of Sisters,Oregon.

A PR spokesperson for Les Schwab Tire Stores lent credence to this stunning revelation when he asked reporters ... "Haven't you guys ever wondered why he's never offered free mutton?"... and, "Where do you think Les came up with the name for his biggest selling brand of tires... 'Wild Country Radials'?"'

Sources close to Schwab reveal that he was concerned over sagging sales from franchise stores located in Northwest metropolitan areas like Seattle and Portland. At the same time he took note of a recent jump in Ford truck sales in these same progressive urban areas that media experts attribute to a provocative Ford commercial featuring the outlaw CW singer Toby Keith.

That spot, heavy with sexual overtones, which may have inspired Schwab, features a tailgaiting Toby... who turns from his BBQ grill brandishing a huge spatula, and suggestively asks two men sitting nearby, "Would you fellas like me to toast your buns?"

Now, marketing execs are asking the question...Will Valentine's and "Free Beef" Days in the Northwest ever again be the same?

Al Quaida Infiltrates NFL

In a stunning video tape released today by the Arab news source Aljazeera, a sneering Osama Bin Laden is heard making the claim that Al Quaida is responsibile for the officiating at Sunday's Superbowl. Filmed before a backdrop of what Middle-East experts have identified as an oversized Steeler "Terrible Towel", Bin Laden appeared to be suffering from a serious post-game celebratory hangover.

Making reference to recent newspaper cartoons which have lampooned the Prophet Mohammed and subsequently released a firestorm of hositility towards the West, Bin Laden is heard proclaiming, "An eye for an eye, Infidels... you make a mockery of our god, the great Allah, and we have made a mockery of your 's... the Great Lombardi."

A highly placed Bush Administration source has confirmed that FBI eavesdropping experts in Detroit did indeed pick up SuperBowl game-time transmissions between undisclosed sources in the Mid-East and the NFL officiating crew inside Ford Field. "There was a lot of chatter in which the phrase 'Hose the Seahawks' kept coming across," the source revealed.

As the Bin Laden videotape rolls to an end the madman can be heard screaming, "And now, the Great Satan has been revealed before the whole world!!, " as he waves a Superbowl halftime snapshot of Keith Richards before the camera.

When asked whether this revelation might cause the NFL to void the outcome of Superbowl XL, Paul Tagliabue told reporters, "Hey look, I'm just the Commissioner, not some Dictator. This is America, remember... and that means everyone... including referees, Mick Jagger, ad execs and Steelers fans... has a full right to make a complete ass of themselves."